a leaf in the wind

It's official I guess.. I have a blog. For the longest time I was unaware of what a blog really was but after spending the last four weeks unemployed- first time since 16- I have been able to discover many a new things, like what a blog is, as well as how big the www actually functions. By no means am I over this fear, but I used to be absolutely terrified of the internet- there is soo much out there to look at listen and watch. And as a formerly over committed person I did not have time or the patience to even see what was on the internet. I usually stay away from facebook and deleted my myspace just a year after creating it. I guess defining myself into electronic media just sort of scares the bejesus out of me.

Sitting at home all day scares me as well. The weather here isn't quite nice enough to allow me to wonder past the walls of our warm house and my bank account isn't quite plenty enough for me to meander around town in my car. Hence I stay inside for days at a time- cooking and cleaning to the extent that most people would be paid to.

Exploring this other side of life.. all the time in the world but limited options.. is just as difficult i'm finding as being over committed. I mean my mind just wanders and thinks about things that, well, are sometimes just plain inappropriate. keeping busy must be the key to sanity- at least my sanity. Balance between over involvement and work-aholic old me and bored to the skull new me should just clash together and become friends- I really do think the balance would restore me to default.

As far as where i've been and where i'm going it's all quite simple. I just graduated from undergrad and am applying to law schools around this grand ole country of ours. Some day down the road, hopefully sooner rather than later with 3 kids and a full time job, i will travel the world. That's the reason I'm dong all this, and by all this i mean the whole joining society by getting a degree then a job etc.. I mean if i'm apart of this world and i happen to be lucky enough to live in a country where i have the choice of a future i'm gonna do one of the jobs, aka a lawyer, that will not only be rewarding on some levels, but will put cash in my pocket. I spent at least three fourths of my undergrad time in the theatre arts. While i love the arts and would love to pursue an acting career i don't know if i have it in me to push and push and push through the wide world of theatre in hopes some director likes the way my face looks with his camera angle or if i have read the script in the exact manner he imagined.. no i've decided to take matters into my own hands and just do the lawyer thing. I'll make my money, write off this expected life sequence we all unknowingly get ourselves into and just travel.. never declaring myself as anything more than what I am that very second. No title of student.. lawyer..debtor...employee..boss.. will define me. I will just be a leaf in the wind blowing around the globe. To me nothing could be more organic. The neutrality of it all excites me.. finding my meals as i get hungry no sooner and no later. sleeping where my feet stop at the end of a days journey. and feeling the sunshine on myface as i travel with the season of summer. No house payments to make and no e-mails to respond too.. complete freedom is what i want to be when i grow up.

thanks to the world for allowing me this rad electronic internet opportunity to unravel the random rantings of a crazy girls' mind. i write this for no one. Not even myself. My hand written journals are for that and i wrote enough papers in college for others i do not care to write for anyone quite soo soon. The closest step toward the wall of truth concerning my reason to blog, because everyone blogs for some purpose.. more on that later.. is to feel the keys beneath my fingers pop up and down as i type. it feels good and i like the comfort of feeling the keys move beneath my finger tips. I even enjoy the simple but hypnotic motion of my hands flying across the keyboard.